04.28.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 12:40 am by Max
I was feeling sorry for myself, too sorry, so I decided to surf the web a bit, looking for articles on the topic of “marriage and happiness,” and then after that just “happiness.”
What I read surprised me. I mean, I am familiar with most of the principles I read. But it’s so easy to forget these essential principles and stray from the path. Meaning, it’s easy for one to get sucked up into the vortex of being so concerned for one’s own happiness.
On this page, I found the following excerpt quite provocative:
Everyone thinks happiness is to be found in objects and experiences. Everyone thinks, “If I could only attain certain objects, if I could only possess them, if I could experience them, I will get happiness.” In spite of countless disappointments and disillusionments, man never learns. There is not an iota of happiness in earthly objects. No object is perfect. They do not have in them the power or ability to give you lasting happiness or joy because they are finite and they are imperfect. Otherwise, they must be able to give a homogeneous state of happiness to all beings at all times under all conditions. But what do you actually see?
If you like milk and you take a glass full of sweetened milk flavored with spices, the first glass may give you satisfaction. And if you are pressed upon to take another glass, the second glass may give satisfaction, but it is not the same degree of happiness or pleasure as was the first glass. And if your stomach is already full with two glasses of milk, if you try to take a third glass of milk, it becomes unpleasant, it becomes undesirable. And if it is forced upon you, a fourth glass of milk produces nausea and you will have to throw it up. Where then is real happiness?
At this stage in my life, I am a fairly consistent adherent to the notion that material objects don’t bring happiness. Here’s my ranking, in order of importance, of the things that matter in this world.
- Family, friends, other people
- Nature / The environment
- Money and material stuff
So while in my day to day life over the past several years, I’ve kept on repeating to myself how my happiness doesn’t depend on whether I drive a shiny, new Porsche or a beat-up old Honda—despite this accomplishment of mine, I’ve somehow forgotten how the pursuit of hedonism is no less a chimera.
I’ve been dissatisfied with my sex life of late—there hasn’t really been much of one. But I’ve been a fool to have thoughts along the lines of, “If I get divorced, I could have all the nasty sex I wanted and I’d be happier for it.”
This page‘s tone was a little overly religious for me, but I liked this excerpt a lot:
The second secret weapon [for being content when circumstances make us feel miserable] is to turn our obsession to satisfy ourselves into love for others. Rather than focus on others, too many Christians have bought into the cultural value of individualism. We think personal independence is so great that we no longer recognize the beauty and blessing of shared life. But Christianity is concerned with interdependence. God doesn’t tell us to live for our own convenience. One reason he puts us in marriages is to help us find real satisfaction and real joy in serving others. Marriage is the first place where we get to live out God’s many commands for serving, accepting, encouraging, forgiving and submitting to one another.
OK, if you can cut through the (as I see it, unnecessary) references to God, there’s an excellent point being made here: people are too intent on trying to make themselves happy by finding ways to please themselves. I will agree that greater happiness is to be found by thinking less of oneself and thinking more of how to make life better for other people.
Finally, this page cited some interesting research: when you’re unhappily married, there’s no evidence that divorce will make you happier.
I have to learn to live less for myself and my own petty concerns and more for others. I find that when I have a lot of anxiety (what if I get sick? what if I die?), I just try to tell myself, “So what? We all die someday, the world will go on without us. Just try to do your personal best every day, and that’s all you can do.” Even as I type these words, a baby is being abused, a woman is being raped, somebody has lost their home. I’m getting pretty fucking tired of my selfishness. Which reminds me, a cousin of mine in New York had a stroke a couple of months ago and I haven’t even written her yet. Part of the delay is fear and anxiety (what should I say?) but the other part is just pure selfishness and excessive self-involvement.
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04.26.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 11:32 pm by Max
Man, I’ve known about internet radio for a long time, but I never really got into it. Now, all of a sudden, I’m into it—and I’m into it big.
Check out Live 365 Internet Radio. A few ads, but I don’t mind them. I’ve only listened to two stations so far, and they’re both fantastic. One (Radio Dismuke) is American music from 1925-1935 and the other (Basement Tapes Live) is Underground Hip-Hop, which I’ve been wanting to learn about for a long time. This link shows you the incredible number of genres, each with their attendant station or stations, available on Live 365.
Go ahead, give it a go. I, for one, am not turning back. This is just the thing I needed to push ahead with my lifelong goal of broadening my musical tastes, exposure, and experience. Rock on.
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04.24.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 5:07 pm by Max
I’m getting better at making omelets. Here’s what I made today. A tasty omelet with some sautéed spinach on the side.
Omelet Ingredients:
- two large eggs
- one slice of processed cheddar cheese
- five strips of half bacon (half bacon means half the length of regular bacon)
- butter
- one tomato
- pepper and salt
Sautéed Spinach Ingredients:
- olive oil
- pepper and salt
- spinach
- mashed garlic
I made the sautéed spinach according to this recipe. It turned out really well. The thing is, I used a lot of garlic—or did I?—anyway, I used a big heaping tablespoon of mashed garlic. The garlic has given me tremendous gas. Unbelievable in noise, intensity, and smell. It smells just like garlic, dammit. No wet farts, thank the gods, just straight blasts of air. Is it only me who gets gas from garlic? Not very work-friendly, to say the least.
The omelet turned out really well. I find using butter with a well-seasoned pan is the way to go. Those non-stick pans are overrated. Even with the expensive ones, the coating just does not last. From now on, I’m just sticking with a little oil or butter and a well-seasoned iron pan. I wish you could buy that cooking oil spray here. Do they carry one for olive oil back home?
With the omelet, I use a fork to beat two eggs, salt, and pepper in a bowl. I add the mixture to a warmed-up, buttered-up pan, and then cook on low to medium-low heat. I then tear up the sliced cheese into small pieces and place the cheese on one side, and after that the (cooked) bacon and tomatoes. When the time is right, fold over and voila!
I found a great new way (for me) to cook bacon. Simply place a sheet of paper towel on a microwaveable plate, then lay the bacon slices on that sheet, then cover the bacon with another sheet of paper towel, tamping down on the paper towel to make sure the bacon is stuck fast. Then nuke for three minutes (with my microwave), and voila, tasty, crispy, very crispy bacon. No fuss, no muss. And a lot of the fat is drawn away by the paper towels. You do have to be careful of the occasional shred of paper towel sticking to the bacon, but otherwise, it’s the method I’m going with from now on. Love that crispy bacon!
So maybe there is a silver lining to me spending the last four-and-a-half months mostly alone: I’ve really gotten into cooking again, and I’ve gotten a lot better at it. There’s no turning back.
Last night I made some yummy chicken. Just slice chicken breast into smallish pieces, cook in a bit of canola oil at medium-low heat, and then add mashed garlic, salt and pepper towards the end. Ya gotta love cooking!
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04.21.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 6:43 pm by Max
Man, what a workout today.
After my university class (10:30-12:00), I ate a banana and took some supplements (most notably tribulus terrestris, green tea extract, and chromium) and headed straight for the car, where I changed, outside, meaning the occasional passerby would have been able to catch me in my boxers or wifebeater.
Then I walked over to the track, and here’s what followed:
- Five or six 400m laps around the track.
- Five minutes or so of walking alternating with sprinting.
- Several sets of barbell deadlifts.
- Several sets of barbell bench presses.
- Several sets of seated barbell military presses.
- Several sets of upright rows with my fingers grasping a heavy plate.
- Several sets of back extensions.
During my workout, I drank a mixture of 1000mg vitamin C, creatine powder (Universal Nutrition), and 15,000mg BCAAs. After I got home, I had a protein shake. While that was in me, I cooked a steak and potatoes in olive oil. I ate that food and also half a chocolate bar and half a salad.
Soon afterwards, I went to work for my usual class and (as usual) felt sleepy. But this time was different. I think I was so overcome with endorphins, so high from the exercise, that I just wasn’t performing well. It was a struggle to move properly, to sit or stand with good posture. It was a struggle to speak properly, to use proper grammar and to speak clearly without mumbling. There is a warm feeling of peace and well-being flowing throughout my body.
Basically, I think I was semi-stoned from the exercise. I’m still high on it, hours later, as I write this. What a high. What a feeling of intoxication. This is the best. Absolutely flat out, hands down, beats any drug-induced high.
Time to cook me famous meat sauce again.
Life. You gotta love it.
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Posted in Uncategorized at 1:43 am by Max
Made a darn good meat sauce for spaghetti last week. Here’s how it went.
- Chopped up an onion and fried in some extra virgin olive oil.
- When the onion was cooked, added a can of stewed tomatoes, and stirred and cooked for a while.
- Added ground beef.
- Added lotsa garlic (in this case it was mashed, and [heaven forbid?] from China—really cheap but tasty)
- Added a pouch of premade spaghetti sauce (this stuff was made of tomatoes, meat, and mushrooms, and other things).
- The cooking/simmering time for the whole thing was at least two hours. I figure the more simmering the better.
- I then took a frying pan, poured in some more olive oil, added some spaghetti sauce and some cooked spaghetti, heated the whole lot together, and served on a plate sprinkled with lotsa pregrated Parmesan cheese.
The result was pure heaven, and some mighty unholy gas for a day or two (several meals of the stuff). Was it all that garlic? Anyway, I will make some more sauce tomorrow, I think.
Worried about eating canned food past the expiry date? Sometimes, I think the expiry date can be a good guide. I remember opening a can of Campbell’s mushroom soup that was only several months or so past the obsolescence date, but Shiho and I noticed something was awry with the texture and consistency, so we chucked it. But tonight I downed a very salty can of Campbell’s chicken noodle, and I’m still alive even though the vittles expired in February of this year. I found this link about expiration dates to be both interesting and useful.
Today I finally shaved my head—I gave myself a crew cut, with my wife just doing part of the back, making sure it looked straight—and also shaved off my four-day beard. Damn that felt good. I just don’t like having much hair on my head—only a little up top, and none on my face.
I was listening to a live version of Earth, Wind, and Fire’s “That’s the Way of the World,” and I heard the lead singer ask everybody in the house to “get on up off [their] feet.” I was wondering how I would ever be able to explain to my students (nonnative speakers) this oddball characteristic of English: how in heck can you have three different prepositions in a row in a single phrase? Privately, I realize that while perhaps not entirely grammatical, such a usage is perfectly acceptable to me as a native speaker, and something you might come across from time to time.
While we’re on the topic of musicians, I recently came across a Ray Charles greatest blues hits album. This is truly magical stuff. Me not having known much about Ray Charles, I can admit to having been embarrassed when I opened the jacket cover and read the well-written biography. The writer was dead on when he mourned the fact that most young people only know Ray Charles as this greying old dude singing “Uh-huh!” on a Pepsi commerical. Yes, I am ashamed to admit, that was all I knew about Ray Charles before picking up that album, but now I’m much more enlightened. This guy is a true genius. Check out these lines from a song called “Blackjack”:
I sat there with two tens;
I thought I’d have some fun.
The dealer hit sixteen with a five;
Just enough to make twenty-one.
Hey hey hey, yeah yeah;
How unlucky can one man be?
Well, of course, you gotta listen to it.
Part of my purpose in life in recent years has been to expand my musical tastes. This is both necessary (I easily get bored of the same music played over and over) and desirable (more knowledge about art generally being a good thing). Here are a few artists that I formerly knew very little or nothing about, but who I am now becoming familiar with: Sly and the Family Stone; Bobby Womack; Luther Vandross; plus a slew of Japanese singers/artists whose names I don’t know and whose lyrics I can’t for the most part decipher, but nevertheless find myself moved by their melodies.
You know, in all the reading I’ve done since I was a kid, I remember reading once or twice about a famous person who didn’t like music. And I think one of my students didn’t like music either. How could anyone not like music? Is such a thing possible?
Tonight we had a late bath time with the kids, about 9:00 pm. I came in the bathroom, and Mom was outside soaping up Mickey. I told her to get back in the bath with Milo and warm herself up (women always being cold), while I washed the kids one-by-one. I thus began on Mickey, who was already outside, but he only wanted to be washed by Mom. We ignored his complaints, saying this was the way things had to be, but it was interesting to know that he didn’t seem really serious about having to be washed by me, as he wasn’t physically struggling. Anyway, finally I put him back in the bath. But that didn’t stop his moaning. He then whined, in Japanese, that he had wanted to get back in the tub himself. So he got back out and then got back in again. Like I said, sometimes you just can’t win. Mickey acts similarly in other situations as well. For example, he’s usually pretty grumpy when he gets up in the morning or after an afternoon nap, and at that time he doesn’t want to interact with anyone except Mommy. I will often proffer his thirsty self a glass of juice or tea, but he will invariably refuse it because it wasn’t made by, or, as is more likely the case, served by Mommy.
Well, Mickey’s not always like this. We had quite a good time playing today, and he likes to be close to me, snuggling with me, hugging me, and sitting on my lap. Today at the supermarket Mickey and Milo each clambered into their own kiddy cart (a grocery cart that looks like a car or truck which kids can sit inside) and they only wanted to be pushed by Daddy.
Life as a dad is fun.
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04.16.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 11:32 pm by Max
I went to a supermarket today and headed directly to the butter station. I was all business. The shelf space for the butter was only a third or half full, and as my eyes took in the stock I saw a sign in Japanese which I understood to mean a limit of one block of butter per customer. I snatched up one and paid for it at the till, then exited the store and asked my coworker, who was nearby and was smoking a cigarette, to go in a buy a block of butter for me. Sneaky, eh? Anyway, I’ve been enjoying the butter, cooking lots of eggs up. Now, though, I’m rationing myself, cooking my eggs in half butter, half olive oil. Better for my heart, I’m sure, as well.
Damn, I can cook. Tonight I cooked up a steak that was marinaded for a day in a sauce made of sesame oil, soy sauce, garlic, brown sugar, salt, and pepper. Plus I served myself up some home cut fries fried in canola oil. Been cooking a lot of my own meals lately. Compared to eating out, I still spend a lot of money when eating at home, but I eat better (qualitatively) than if I were to eat out.
If you haven’t seen The Joy Luck Club, it’s a wonderful drama. Truly well done all around. I had a real cry for the first time in years, years. Watching the movie brings me back to my current favorite topic, yes, the cycle of life. Listening to the plaintive cry of a baby in the movie, I was inspired to watch some old videos of my babies, back in 2005 when they were wee little ones. Jeez, it just made my heart flutter. Nothing compares to being a parent and having little ones to love (little ones who are fast becoming bigger ones). I noticed in one video in particular, you can see Shiho’s paternal grandmother, who is fairly mobile in the video, playing with the babies and all. But last year she had a stroke and just isn’t very well now.
Too damn sad. I told a bunch girls in my university English class the other day (paraphrasing):
You know, life is so sad. What does it all mean? You don’t really understand yet, because you’re not even 20 years old. But look at me, I’m already 34 and I have grey hair, and I can’t believe it. How has so much time passed? Look at you. Now you are so beautiful, so young. And what will you look like in 60 years?! What are you going to look like in 60 years? You’ll all be old, ugly, and wrinkled. Sad, isn’t it?
Like I said, at the risk of repeating myself: so damn sad.
Well, it’s 11:33 pm and I’m still up. Even though I have to be up at about 5:45 am tomorrow to get ready for work. Early morning class at Honda R&D. Plus I want to work out tomorrow. I have to get up bright and early, but I still haven’t had a shower, made my bed, or brushed my teeth. Time sure is a thief.
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04.15.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 10:52 am by Max
In December-January, I was in Canada visiting family and friends. My friend Ed and I, and his preschooler son Andrew, and his infant daughter Sabrina, are all pictured below. It’s funny, Ed and I are now in our mid-30s, about the same age that our former teachers were when we were in high school. The teachers that we used to make fun of behind their backs.
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Posted in Uncategorized at 10:25 am by Max
I just came back from the supermarket, and man, it appears there is no fucking butter— nationwide! From what I could gather with my limited Japanese, it appears there is a problem on the supply end. Something to do with the producer not being able to produce enough. But damn, seriously, how the fuck can you run out of butter? And of course the supermarket shelves were stacked with plenty of trans-fat filled margarine.
I’m in a writing mood at 10:16 a.m. here at home. It’s unusual for me to be in a writing mood at this hour. Basically, I must be caught up in a caffeine-and-adrenaline-induced fervor because of my schedule today.
I was up until past 1:30 a.m. this morning finishing off some work I do online for my old school in Korea. And then I had to get up at 5:30 to get ready for a morning class at Honda Research and Development. Thing is, I totally slept through my alarm, and woke up in a panic when I saw the morning light coming through my curtains. I woke up in a start, my heart pounding like I had just completed a 1,000 meter sprint. I don’t know if the fast heartbeat was due to thinking I was late or due to some racy dream I was having; I think maybe it had something to do with not getting much sleep and waking up in a start. Anyway, lucky me, it was only 5:45 or so when I got up. I’ll have to crank up the volume on my PC alarm next time, and also select some noisier music—to heck with my poor neighbors.
I’ve been thinking a lot about all the swearing and political incorrectness on this blog, in light of the fact that a prospective employer might not like what it finds here. With that in mind, I was happy to read the following excerpt from the blog of Kevin, a friend of mine:
When you walk into my blog, you’re walking into my house.
My thinking exactly. That sums it up. I’m not out to offend anyone. But this is how I think of my own blog. It’s an airing of my thoughts. I don’t say whatever I want to say when I’m at work. That’s a separate sphere of influence.
Time for some chow. So ciao.
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04.10.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 10:05 pm by Max
It’s been raining quite a bit the past couple of days and thus we haven’t been able to enjoy the full splendor of the cherry blossoms, whose date of expiration will soon come to pass. I’ve had a couple of good workouts this week. There will be another tomorrow. Nowadays I am getting in three workouts a week. Each session consists of (1) a run around the track of a distance between 3,200 and 4,000 meters, or more, depending on how I’m feeling, and (2) hitting the weights, usually meaning 3-5 different exercises of 3-5 sets each. I’ve been doing a lot of bodyweight exercises these days. Chin-ups, dips, push ups. I’ve found ways to make dips more challenging. When I do the version where my heels are resting on a bench and a grab onto a bar behind me, I make use of this really thick steel tube. The thickness calls for a completely different grip which makes things more challenging.
I got pretty hammered last night. My friend and I drank lots of red wine. I didn’t get sick this morning, but I was pretty damn hungover until about 3 p.m. Good thing I didn’t have work this morning.
I am kind of depressed and down being away from my family so much of the time. I hate missing out on my kids’ developmental milestones. Tuesday was the entrance ceremony for their daycare center, and I missed that. We’ll be moving in together in May, which is great. I know they have to get older and grow up and gain independence, but at the same time it makes me so sad. When they were born they were completely and utterly helpless but for the last year or so they have started to want to do things on their own and…I don’t know, but the feeling is similar to rejection. I used to love doing everything for them but now they want to use utensils by themselves or pull up their own pants. Of course I want them to grow up but a part of me wanted them to stay small and cute forever. Last week Milo looked at the bucket where we keep empty baby bottles and he said, “Formula nomitai!” [I want to drink formula]. So cute. They haven’t had formula for months now but the thought made me sad.
The kids are of course much better at Japanese. I feel kind of upset that they can’t or won’t speak English to me. I want them to know about my own culture and to speak to me in my own language. Of course, linguistic superiority in Japanese is a natural consequence when they get very little exposure to English. The kids often mix Japanese and English, for example, “Moto play yaritai!”—“moto” meaning “more” and “yaritai” meaning “I want to do.” Anyway, they’re learning English slowly but surely. If they want anything from me, like food or drink or to be held, they have to say it in English. So they’re learning.
Time to get back to work, rating these computer-assisted tests, which is a part-time job I do via internet for my old university back in Korea. It means a few extra thousand bucks a year, which, in my present financial situation, is nothing to sneer at.
I wish I didn’t have so much existential angst and sometimes wish I was more like other people, who have many more layers of denial and repression separating them from the harsh reality of life. Think how people fill their lives with things to keep them busy and help them avoid thinking about the scarier topics in life. People purse things like shopping, sexual conquests, gambling, video games, keeping their cars in mint condition, and so on.
You know, I’m always thinking about how sad life is and how sad it is to grow old and die. On the lighter side of things, I’m constantly, unceasingly fascinated by the cycle of life. I’m amazed that a tiny baby can end up a shrivelled old man. The cycle of life is never banal or mundane to me. It never ceases to awe and amaze me.
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04.06.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 11:06 pm by Max
Another April is here and with it the pink-purple beauty of the budding cherry blossoms. If I am correct, I believe one reason the Japanese traditionally esteemed cherry blossoms was that the flowers, like human life itself, bloom only briefly. The blossoms last only a week or so whereas human life lasts several decades at best. Both are just a mere instant in the strange thing we can time. Two quotations spring to mind. First, Macbeth’s “Tomorrow and tomorrow” soliloquy. Second, a favorite quip of mine from Pink Floyd:
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain;
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you;
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.
I don’t know about the missing the “starting gun” bit—I feel I’ve lived my life pretty fully over the years. But I can definitely connect with the idea of 10 years getting behind me. Man, can I really already be 17 years out of high school? Time is a mofo thief. But unlike Life itself, which can snatch you out from your mortal coil at any point it chooses (whether you’re a mere infant or an old man), to me Time is fair to all comers.
I’ll be job hunting in Canada late next year. I’m not sure when exactly we’ll be leaving, but it will probably be off-season for the airlines—airfares are a real killer. November (sandwiched between the summer and Christmas rushes) seems like a good bet. Anyway, back to the job-hunting bit. I am somewhat worried that my website and its content (blog, photos, and whatnot) will detract from my chances of me getting a job. Perhaps, like one website suggested, me being fearful in this way is giving the hiring process too much credit. But isn’t it standard that employers Google you nowadays? And my name, Max Becker-Pos, comes up really easy in Google, because I am pretty sure that I am the only person in the world with the same first and last names. Would a prospective employer be put off by the swearing and excessive honesty on my blog? I’m not sure. But the chance that it could happen is bothering me, because I really, really, really need to embark on a new career. I need a job where I can get promotions, raises, a company pension. Real benefits.
The kids and Shiho came over for the weekend. We had a great time. Mickey was quite close to me, closer than usual, which was fun. He wanted to sit in my lap while I was driving, instead of on mom’s lap. (Yes, yes, yes, I know. It’s a big no-no. There is a whole book I could write on this subject. For now, suffice it to say that it can be really hard to get Mickey [Milo is usually easy] into his car seat, with him struggling and pushing with all his might, me forcing him into the seat with all my might, maybe even causing him pain, I don’t know, and finally buckling him up, and then having him scream and cry for 20 minutes. So I only insist on the baby seat for longer trips.) Mickey also let me change his diaper, twice, which he hasn’t let me do for months. He’s been really sweet.
We’re all sleeping in the same bed now. A big no-no in the West, right? I think it’s something to do with having bigger houses, a desire for the kids to be more independent, and a closer romantic bond between Western couples (e.g., sex life is more important). Anyhow, I think it’s fun, and I’m not worried about the independence bit as the kids will definitely become independent with time. Milo kept waking up at night asking for water, or to be fed bananas, or for me to change his diaper. Supposedly, he doesn’t wake up at night when he’s with his maternal grandmother. I think part of him waking up has to do with wanting to get (and knowing he can get) attention from me, and maybe another part of it has to do with him having been sick (he had a fever).
Lots more to write but my hands and neck are feeling it. Definitely need to hit the weights and track tomorrow. Some of us feel computer-related aches and pains more easily than others. Exercise is a great offsetting force.
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